Nora Ephron’s mother was totally right: everything is copy. When life goes sideways, blog— that’s my new motto. I’m also a huge fan of Anne Lamott who said, “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.” Amen, sister.

A friend of mine told me yesterday that she wants to write some sort of guidebook for new mothers-in-law. K. remembers vividly that when she was first married, her mother-in-law drove her crazy. Now, as she and her friends are entering into the phase of life where they themselves will soon be mothers-in-laws, they don’t want to inflict the same pain on their children and their spouses.

So I really want to help her out—and ultimately, make the world a better place. My ideals are high…yet my sarcasm is sharp.

I don’t know how these just came to me out of the blue. Hard to say when and how the muse strikes, y’know? Here, for consideration, are the Top Ten Tips for Being a Wonderful Mother-in-Law.

1. If you’re friggin’ crazy and delusional, stick to communicating with your daughter-in-law by cards and letters at holidays and birthdays.
2. Remember that you no longer have a relationship with just your child; you have a relationship with them both. Playing one against the other leads to you hosting weekend solitaire marathons.
3. Look up the definition of relationship—is your name listed as the only one who gets to decide what this looks like?
4. When you visit, don’t stay with your son’s ex-wife. See #1.
5. If you go to see your daughter-in-law in the hospital, don’t make remarks about how you never got sick because you simply told your body that it wasn’t acceptable.
6. If you want more communication with them, learn to dial a phone once in a while. At your age, learning new things keeps the mind fresh and nimble.
7. Contrary to reality TV, your guilt trips, whining, martyrdom, and yelling does not make anyone actually want to spend time with you. See #1.
8. When someone wants to hug you, try not to act like a corpse in rigor mortis; hugging won’t kill you so stop acting like you’re already dead.
9. You are not the queen of England nor the reigning monarch of any fictional land of [insert surname here]. Get over yourself.
10. If you can recite at a moment’s notice every perceived slight, misunderstanding, and foible related to your daughter-in-law, you need a hobby. Try drugs. Then see #1.