Number 1 rule of blogging and social media: make a schedule and stick to it. Don’t go dark for a long period of time … don’t allow dead air, as they say in broadcast. Well, now that I’ve broken THAT rule, let’s get on with the show.

Truth is, it’s been a struggle to restart this blog. I had lost my desire to write, but mostly I’d believed the lie that it didn’t matter whether I did or not. I had let others’ opinions of me matter. Last year I signed up for a 10-month leadership program that wrapped up in February. I absolutely L-O-V-E-D the premise of it: we’re all leaders, regardless of title or power, and when we align with our individual purpose we can lead in ways we never thought possible. Yeah, baby, sign me up for some of that. That resonated in the marrow of my bones, and it still does. When it came to the methods and demeanor of the leadership team, though, let’s just say I experienced tissue rejection. But at the time, I kept thinking that I was the problem, that if I just stuck with it, I’d feel the euphoria of connection and belonging that others seemed to experience. By the final retreat, 11 out of 25 of us had formed a quasi support group to try to weather the cliquish dynamics and our feelings of unworthiness.

A friend asked recently if I resented the whole thing. Right now, the best I can say is that I’m trying very hard not to. Because I don’t think resentment has anything to teach me. So instead I keep looking for what I did learn and what I choose to take with me. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

• Sometimes the truth hurts. It can sting at first, but then you feel a deeper resonance and say, yeah, ok, I might want to look at that. But if it scalds and scars, that’s not truth and doesn’t need further consideration. I don’t need to look for meaning in someone else’s meanness.

• In the same way, some people tend to run away from experiences and conversations that take them out of their comfort zones. And for them, growth can be found in “staying” with the discomfort. For others of us, we’ve made a life of staying with discomfort and ignoring our own needs. For us, our growing edge is found in recognizing our limits and getting the hell out of Dodge. Without second-guessing it.
• Only people who can truly see a person’s inner brilliance and reflect back the light of her soul are qualified to offer “feedback” on how she might also improve in a particular area. And those folks rarely if ever offer their insights without invitation, nor do they do it with disdain for the times she didn’t see her own light.
• Those who dismiss my story and my perspective are merely showing me that they’re not worthy of hearing my truth at this time. They may not be ready to understand how much we have in common. Their loss.
• I can speak my truth and be criticized for my words, and I can listen and observe and be criticized for my silence. I will continue to speak sometimes and observe at others, because their criticism says more about them than me.
• No one gets to demand my transformation or map of personal progress, regardless of their high-minded intentions. My lessons are not on their timeline.
• There is no size or weight requirement for a quest; dreams are neither big nor small, as long as they inspire us. Sometimes a “big dream” is merely a cloak of ego. The people I admire have chosen to change their world, not THE world per se, by starting with what’s around them. That’s big.